A Few Good Eggs

Because of my swollen crying eyes, we didn't make it to the TCM on Sat. We decided to go on Sun instead. Uncle Chan did say that if my period was not here by Friday, I had to go see him, by Sun, there was no sign of dear aunty. We woke up really early and left at 745, hoping to reach by 815. Imagine our shock when we reach before 810, the queue was extremely long, we ended up baking in the sun for 1.5 hours.

After someone in the queue behind me left. I decided that we shouldn't wait as well. 1.5 hours past and we were still outside, by the time it was our turn, it will probably be noon. I could die of hunger. Heck it, we left for breakfast and borders sale.

I love reading books on fertility, yeah right. Anyway, they were so cheap, on 70% off and none of them more than 10 bucks. On top of it, I was still very sore about the whole incident, I practically swept the whole store for fertility books and got these. I didn't regret, I'm done with InVitro Fertility Goddess and I found it so humorous. Was really glad I got it. I always like to read about successful cases.

Anyway, I also decided to buy a pregnancy test to test just in case. This cycle has been really long, so I thought it could be possible, even though we had been really inactive. Well, no potato, and for the record, dear friend came for the visit today. Finally. On CD37. Gosh, I really hope the cycle will shorten soon.

Today, we also finished the last episode of Primeval Season 5. I guess it's withdrawal symptoms for us now since Season 6 is only due to be out 2013. On the hind sight, CSI Season 12 started on 21 Sep 2011. Cool. Time for my favourite CSI again.

Are you here yet?

It's the 32nd day of my cycle. The last time I told uncle chan about my period getting longer, he said to visit him if my period is still not here by this friday. I really hope my cycle can stabilize soon. According to him, any period cycle below 28 days or above 37 days are not good.

1. Below 28 days - Egg has no chance to reach the womb
2. Above 37 days - Late ovulation, can't remember exactly how it affects the egg, but it has to do with the womb as well.

So, I'm hoping to keep it below 35 days. Please!

Deafening

She saw and heard the heartbeat. I went through 2 pregnancies without any.
I totally can't continue the conversation. Only feel like crying.

Shudders

Today, I shuddered at the sms my friend sent to me about her having bad morning sickness and not being able to meet us for lunch and also, not to share this with anyone since she's at the very early stage. I felt my hair raising, and this chills going down my spine. I always though she was not ready, since she wanted to switch jobs, and well, a lot of other concerns. Earlier on, when we met, I had this weird 6th sense about her being pregnant, and it appears that, my 6th sense is accurate again.

The first thing I did, was to tear. I remembered being pregnant during her wedding, and being her JieMei. Now, 1 year plus later, here she is, with her own little beanie while me, still back to square one. It's then back to the same question, why is it so easy for her, and she's not even keen now. I couldn't feel happy, but I still had to sound happy over sms.

I told toot and he said, don't be sad cos we can do it one day. I told him, I feel like I'm an evil person, I had this side of me which hopes that someone I know can go through the same fate as me. Sigh. I'm really evil. I can't even be happy for my friend.

It's like hearing news of people getting pregnant every other week and it pains me to go through the emotional roller coaster again and again and again. For that 1 day, I had the will to get pregnant asap. After that, I start to think about what happens when my house is ready, I can't move since I'm pregnant, and bleh bleh bleh.

Sometimes, I feel that I think way way way too much. Maybe I should just let it be, although I know it's tough for me. I actually asked toot what happens when I'm pregnant and the house is ready, he only said, So? Well, Bring it on then! Cross my fingers!

A fresh start, yet again.

I have decided to merge both the food blog together with my normal blog. It's kinda tiring to maintain both blogs especially when I'm getting so lazy. And I guess, it's also time to start blogging proper again. I have saved my old entries with this blog so I can remember how I grew up from a little girl, excited at new stuffs, complaining at every little things and maturing(I hope) into a woman, a wife, a cook and more to come. It's a difficult journey, I have loads to share, yet I know, not everyone will understand.

When I was young, I used to envisioned my life, married at 27, giving birth at 28, and by 30, I will have a cute little boy and a pretty little girl. Of course, by now, I would have known, life is not what I think it is. It irks me when people say I'm so Xinfu(lucky) when deep down I know, there's a lot that they do not know. Getting pregnant and conceiving is 1 big challenge for a lot of people. Being able to carry the baby to full term is another big hurdle that we, women, have to face. When you don't know about it, it does not mean that this is not happening.

Of course, having the support of family and friends and your hubby is important. I've come to realise how insensitive some people can be. How to them, giving birth is like shitting. It happens naturally. And if you still do not understand. It.does.not.

I find myself losing patience, especially with my own family and my MIL. For people who knew what happened to me, I was hoping they would be more sensitive and stop pressurizing us with who is pregnant, you have been married for 2 years, it's time to get pregnant blah blah blah.

I hope, in time to come, when our time is right to have our kids, I would not be such an irritating mum. A lot of hopes here.

Yesterday, while having dinner at mil's place, she suddenly said that hubby's super pretty cousin who just got married is pregnant, and she has very bad morning sickness. Then she turned and looked at me. I just said, ah, so soon and proceed to ignore her.

I don't know what to say. I'm sure God has plans for us, but I seriously don't know how to react.
Even when telling people that I will try after I move house, I have this fear that it's going to be the same.

My friend said, maybe my luck will turn better when I'm older, when I have kids. I seriously hope all these misery is worth it, and my kids will turn out to be guai and have a smooth life ahead of them.

My kids. I hope soon.

I had a really bad start to the day. Saw a lady on the train and recalled this incident which marred me in my ex organisation. I started tearing when I thought of it. How unappreciative people are, how they try to make me feel like I'm not worth it compared to bitches. Try as I might to stop thinking about it, I can't especially since it left a deep scar in me.

The bad luck continued through a series of events, I guess I really need to take a break and stop thinking about it.

Sometimes it helps if people stop asking me if I'm pregnant and when I'm going to get pregnant.

BLEH.

Of Vaccines and Africa

So the blood test turned out fine. I had most of the vaccines I'm supposed to have.
Yesterday, I went to Raffles to consult the doctor on travel vaccine.
Took 4 freaking jabs for Hep A, Tetanus, ADT and Yellow Fever. Had 2 on my butt, and left arm and left butt are still feeling sore.

So while I was waiting for my turn, I was reading up on Lasik. Yes, cos my contacts have run out, and my boss will be back in June, so if anytime, this is the best time to get it done. Made appointment with Shinagawa on the 18th. I hope I can do lasik! And if ok, I may have perfect vision just in time for my trip. :p

The massage lady also came over yesterday, a very nice lady, brought her own bed, and music. I felt totally relaxed. And she blessed me after that, which made me cry, cos she said she could see me running after my kids. Then she said, just let it out. Well, i had a good session, will probably go for more.

Can't wait for the weekend. I have started wearing my specs, cos I needed to wear them for 7 days prior to the checkup. Yes, cos yours truly has astig! And the vaccines are making me so sleepy. Yawn. My eyes are swollen and my face looks swollen too! Bleh

Follow Up and TCM

So I went for follow up with my gynae on tuesday. The womb is clear, everything looks good, the fibroid is still there, about 1cm. She said there's no cause for concern unless it grows to 5cm and above. Spotted another fibroid, but still she's given me the clear. Spotting can last up to 3 weeks I think, I'm still have spotting on and off.

Asked her about the chances of happening again, she would range it between 10 % to 20% cos it has happened to me twice. There's nothing much we can do about it, a case of 'bad luck', though if I should get pregnant the next time, I could still run down for jabs and pills. But if it's an unhealthy pregnancy to begin with, they may not be able to help much.

Since I'm going to Africa, I also asked her if I could have my vaccines now and if it will affect us trying to conceive, she doesn't see any issue in that unless I am having vaccines for Rubella, which will give me a  3 mths waiting time before I can conceive. So in the end, I decided to take a pre-pregnancy blood test to see what I'm vaccinated against. Maybe I could sneak in some as part of my vaccination for Africa so that it would lighten the costs.

Went for my blood test and it hurts cos the nurse said my veins are not aligned or something and they were too small, so she went poking and poking. Gosh. Results ill be out on Monday!

Brewing the first of my 3 sets of TCM medicine now, not sure what bowl to use, I just use the small chinese soup bowls hahah.

It's good that it's friday today, I can rest a bit and wait for my gmarket stuffs, hopefully it comes by soon before I go to work later!

Food to Avoid when trying to Concieve

So we went to the popular TCM in Marine Parade last Saturday. He was able to detect that the fetus was very week and my HCG was dropping, and hinted that it's likely to be a gone case. Uncle Chan was very nice though, he did share some tips on pregnancy.
Basically, in the first trimester, the only things I can take to help strengthen the pregnancy is duphaston or An Tai Yao. Other than that, no chinese herbs at all. It includes even Gou Ji Zi, Dangshan, Dang Gui, I think he mentioned Red Dates as well. So basically, no drinking of red date tea, which I suspect was why I lost the baby this round. Also, steer clear of
1. Bak Ku Teh
2. Herbal Chicken
3. Emperor's Chicken
4. Ba Zhen Soup
5. Cold Food and Drinks
6. Star Fruit
7. Watermelon
8. Mango, Mango Sago
9. Tea
10. Green Tea
11. Bubble Tea
12. Vitamin E
13. EPO
14. Hormones Pills

The most important thing is to improve your estrogen level in the 1st trimester so that HCG will increase. He suggested drinking Homemade Chicken Essence. You can find a lot on how to double boil a chicken to get its essence. No herbs required and it's safe and beneficial for the 1st trimester.

After the D&C, drink Red date tea, try to go for confinement food as well. I made my own sesame oil chicken. After I finish my round of antibiotics and is cleared by the gynae, Uncle Chan actually prescribed some herbs for me to consume once a week, on standard dates. The next appointment with him is 7 days after my period commence again.

For now, I'm still trying hard to steer clear of cold food. Many times, I ask the hubby why do I have to go through so much while others can happily get pregnant without special diet. They continue to drink tea, coffee, have ice cream etc etc. I guess I just have a weak body, so now we are very diligent in making chicken essence, drinking dom etc. Hopefully it works.

On 25th April 2011, exactly 1.5 years after our wedding, I went for my 2nd D&C.
Pregnancy first came as a surprise after my Dublin trip. We proceed with our Royal Carribean cruise. Went to see the gynae when I was back, and saw a 5 week waterbag. 1 week later, it grew, there was a fetal pole with no heartbeat. Tested my blood and HCG was decreasing. Saw the TCM, he also mentioned the same.
We didn't had any choice, so proceeded for the procedure.

I felt disappointed again, why is it so difficult for me to get pregnant and deliver successfully? I have no idea what I did wrong. Sinseh gave a list of items that I can't eat, but every single pregnant friend have no issues except me.

I need to get it out of my system. No more tears. Think happy thoughts. Read through my old blog entries from FOD to LG to blogspot, some were really funny. It's amazing how funny I used to think.

I believe things will get better again/

I tot that I should have a post to commemorate 9th April 2010.

3 months after the wedding, I got pregnant quite unexpectedly only to find out and confirmed that 2 months later, it's an unhealthy pregnancy cos there was no fetus growing in the pregnancy sac. In medical terms, it's a Blighted Ovum.

Yesterday, I had a D&C procedure to evac the uterus. I was put to sleep so I had no idea how the procedure went. But i absoulutely do not feel anything now, so I'm officially not pregnant again. Have no idea why god wants me to suffer 9 weeks plus of pregnancy symptoms, but I always believe he has something in place for us.

To the 'baby' who was not there in the first place, maybe he or she will come back to us again when we both has a new and better job. Or maybe when I'm really a Tai Tai!

On the good note. I had a good grade for my performance bonus! Which means I had more bonus than the rest. Which also means, I can look forward to something this June!

Finally.
But I still want a new job. 2.5 years here have thought me a lot of things, I made a lot of new and good friends who have went through so much with me.
If only I can find a new job with even higher pay, good colleagues, LESS WORK.... :)