Shudders

Today, I shuddered at the sms my friend sent to me about her having bad morning sickness and not being able to meet us for lunch and also, not to share this with anyone since she's at the very early stage. I felt my hair raising, and this chills going down my spine. I always though she was not ready, since she wanted to switch jobs, and well, a lot of other concerns. Earlier on, when we met, I had this weird 6th sense about her being pregnant, and it appears that, my 6th sense is accurate again.

The first thing I did, was to tear. I remembered being pregnant during her wedding, and being her JieMei. Now, 1 year plus later, here she is, with her own little beanie while me, still back to square one. It's then back to the same question, why is it so easy for her, and she's not even keen now. I couldn't feel happy, but I still had to sound happy over sms.

I told toot and he said, don't be sad cos we can do it one day. I told him, I feel like I'm an evil person, I had this side of me which hopes that someone I know can go through the same fate as me. Sigh. I'm really evil. I can't even be happy for my friend.

It's like hearing news of people getting pregnant every other week and it pains me to go through the emotional roller coaster again and again and again. For that 1 day, I had the will to get pregnant asap. After that, I start to think about what happens when my house is ready, I can't move since I'm pregnant, and bleh bleh bleh.

Sometimes, I feel that I think way way way too much. Maybe I should just let it be, although I know it's tough for me. I actually asked toot what happens when I'm pregnant and the house is ready, he only said, So? Well, Bring it on then! Cross my fingers!