Deafening

She saw and heard the heartbeat. I went through 2 pregnancies without any.
I totally can't continue the conversation. Only feel like crying.

Shudders

Today, I shuddered at the sms my friend sent to me about her having bad morning sickness and not being able to meet us for lunch and also, not to share this with anyone since she's at the very early stage. I felt my hair raising, and this chills going down my spine. I always though she was not ready, since she wanted to switch jobs, and well, a lot of other concerns. Earlier on, when we met, I had this weird 6th sense about her being pregnant, and it appears that, my 6th sense is accurate again.

The first thing I did, was to tear. I remembered being pregnant during her wedding, and being her JieMei. Now, 1 year plus later, here she is, with her own little beanie while me, still back to square one. It's then back to the same question, why is it so easy for her, and she's not even keen now. I couldn't feel happy, but I still had to sound happy over sms.

I told toot and he said, don't be sad cos we can do it one day. I told him, I feel like I'm an evil person, I had this side of me which hopes that someone I know can go through the same fate as me. Sigh. I'm really evil. I can't even be happy for my friend.

It's like hearing news of people getting pregnant every other week and it pains me to go through the emotional roller coaster again and again and again. For that 1 day, I had the will to get pregnant asap. After that, I start to think about what happens when my house is ready, I can't move since I'm pregnant, and bleh bleh bleh.

Sometimes, I feel that I think way way way too much. Maybe I should just let it be, although I know it's tough for me. I actually asked toot what happens when I'm pregnant and the house is ready, he only said, So? Well, Bring it on then! Cross my fingers!

Africa

The trip to Africa was different from the usual ones. No nice shopping malls, no constant water or electricity supply. Life inside and outside the hotel was different. Some of the kids we spoke to say they use laptops in school, and I was surprised to find out facebook was actually popular in Africa.

I love the blue skies, hate the food and love the warmness extended to us when we were there.


Here's the view from the Hotel, Indian Ocean, My favourite part of Africa :p



Roadside stall




Tuktuk anyone?



Blue skies!

I went to their local market with a colleague from Zimbabwe as well. Will post up the photo once I get access to that.

If there's an opportunity to be back in Africa, I would definitely try to check out the Safari!

A fresh start, yet again.

I have decided to merge both the food blog together with my normal blog. It's kinda tiring to maintain both blogs especially when I'm getting so lazy. And I guess, it's also time to start blogging proper again. I have saved my old entries with this blog so I can remember how I grew up from a little girl, excited at new stuffs, complaining at every little things and maturing(I hope) into a woman, a wife, a cook and more to come. It's a difficult journey, I have loads to share, yet I know, not everyone will understand.

When I was young, I used to envisioned my life, married at 27, giving birth at 28, and by 30, I will have a cute little boy and a pretty little girl. Of course, by now, I would have known, life is not what I think it is. It irks me when people say I'm so Xinfu(lucky) when deep down I know, there's a lot that they do not know. Getting pregnant and conceiving is 1 big challenge for a lot of people. Being able to carry the baby to full term is another big hurdle that we, women, have to face. When you don't know about it, it does not mean that this is not happening.

Of course, having the support of family and friends and your hubby is important. I've come to realise how insensitive some people can be. How to them, giving birth is like shitting. It happens naturally. And if you still do not understand. It.does.not.

I find myself losing patience, especially with my own family and my MIL. For people who knew what happened to me, I was hoping they would be more sensitive and stop pressurizing us with who is pregnant, you have been married for 2 years, it's time to get pregnant blah blah blah.

I hope, in time to come, when our time is right to have our kids, I would not be such an irritating mum. A lot of hopes here.

1 year since I joined the company, it has been generally ok, in fact I think I have one of the nicest boss ever. Though I don't know how long this will last. I was telling a friend, it took me 6 years to find a job like this, Regional role, travelling required, yet not sales based and mainly marketing.

Right now, my job allows me to have my own work life balance, no need for OTs. My boss is flexible as well as long as we do our work. So I have more time to concentrate on more important things in life, like shopping, planning how to decor my new house, which btw is taking way too long.

Will be off to Bangkok in 2 weeks time, hopefully everything goes on fine.

Yesterday, while having dinner at mil's place, she suddenly said that hubby's super pretty cousin who just got married is pregnant, and she has very bad morning sickness. Then she turned and looked at me. I just said, ah, so soon and proceed to ignore her.

I don't know what to say. I'm sure God has plans for us, but I seriously don't know how to react.
Even when telling people that I will try after I move house, I have this fear that it's going to be the same.

My friend said, maybe my luck will turn better when I'm older, when I have kids. I seriously hope all these misery is worth it, and my kids will turn out to be guai and have a smooth life ahead of them.

My kids. I hope soon.